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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 4

Sloth Monsters vs. Wizards

The Great One often likes to quote Dean Wormer of dear, old Faber College chastising Flounder in saying “fat, lazy, and stupid is no way to go through life” although the “Woeful Wand Wavers” seem hell bent on doing just that after a third consecutive stinging defeat leaves them toiling at the bottom of the Green Horn Division with few prospects of vacating their wanton digs anytime soon. Nevertheless, the Wizards will go back to the cauldron this weekend to see if they can concoct a more potent potion when they host Mike Dismukes and the “Cardiac Kids” in North Shelby County Sunday afternoon. With their leader wounded the Sloth Monsters are struggling to find their championship form and will likely not retrieve it in time for a Week Four turnaround.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Fighting Slovaks vs. Wooden Warriors

Despite suffering their first loss of the season in Week Three, the “Splendid Splinters” still have plenty to smile about although a 31 point effort was negated by the evil schedule maker. Of course, playing in the pitifully weak Green Horn Division has a smile on Jaimie’s face a good scrubbin’ with Ajax couldn’t wipe off allowing him to sprint to a sizeable 35 point lead after only three games. Fortunately for Jaimie the drumbeat goes on as he faces Adam Slovensky and the “Eastern Bloc Bumblers” in intra-divisional play. When the battle is decided, the Slovaks will find out that taking a knife to a gun fight wasn’t such a great idea after all, and Jaimie will still be wearin’ his “$%!^ eatin’ grin.”

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

Woosiers vs. Gamblers

Rarely do you get to watch such an impotent championship defense in person although Tommy Todd and the “Love Guns” have given the rest of the BDFL a ringside seat to the ongoing carnage. It’s something you can tell your grandkids about and you can bet that one of these days everybody will say they witnessed it in person. It’s kind of like the number of people that say they were at the last Lynerd Skynard concert before the plane crash. At least 250,000 people over forty say they were there although there were only 15,000 tickets sold. You do the math. Meanwhile, Kenny Breal’s “Riverboat Bingo Parlor” has run aground in recent weeks and the tide may not come in fast enough to save a season that is heading south quicker than a flock of geese in November. The Woosiers are much better than their current ranking shows and the Gamblers may be the cure for what ails them.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Wildcats vs. Dogs

The Great Wizardo can already forecast plenty of  “Just say no” comments ringing out during next year’s draft followed by Jerry James’ cackling after the Wildcats have made themselves the team to beat in the early going of the BDFL season following another dominating performance on Sunday causing the Wizard to already put in a special request that all sharp objects be kept away from Butch at the 2006 draft since he will bear the brunt of Jerry’s draft day advice. Next up on the hit parade are Mark Burr and the “Forestdale Fang Fighters” who desperately need to slow down the “Fearsome Felines” if they harbor any hopes of getting back in the race for the division title. Unfortunately for Mark, these cats look more like mountain lions than Garfield and should find the Dogs little more than an appetizer.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Mayors vs. Cheetahs

After subduing another of the Hand clan in Week Three, Butch Neal and his “Hellion Harlots” will entertain a fellow blue hair when Alan Arrington and the “Barons of Bureaucracy” come callin’ on Sunday. Politics makes strange bedfellows and this match-up will be no exception, especially since the Cheetahs aren’t too terribly particular about any potential bedfellow as long as they pay cash up front. The battle for supremacy in the Gray Beard Division is at stake this weekend and the Great Wizardo foresees the Mayors leaving town a little lighter in the wallet for their trouble and a little lower in the standings as well.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Power Sleds vs. Grenades

Jack Barnes and the rest of the “Lankfordville Humpty Dumpties” have tumbled to the bottom of the Gray B

eard Division after three weeks of play and are currently looking for a few good king’s men and horses to try and piece their season back together before it’s too late. Meanwhile, Chris Hand and the “Pulaski Powder Kegs” have more closely resembled a beer keg after stumbling and weaving their way through the first month of the season, their dismantling of the hapless Slovaks notwithstanding. After this battle one team will find some momentum while the other one limps home to lick its wounds, and the Wizards strongly advises the Grenades to order another keg to drown their sorrows although at least they’ll get to do so in the luxury boxes at “la Stadia” in Nashville.

Wizard’s Winner…the Power Sleds.

Juggernauts vs. Blades

Allyson Edwards has the “Orient Express” off to a fast start this season that has only been dampened by the explosive start of fellow Yellow Hammer Division rivals, the Wildcats. While the “Jugheads” have looked more like “Jarheads” after successfully storming enemy beaches the first three weeks of the year, the “Stealth Sod Stackers” started very slowly, but have rapidly gained momentum recently. The Juggernauts are a legitimate threat to stake a claim in the playoffs, but will have to keep pace and eventually catch the Cats to make it a formal one. However, the Blades will offer more than token resistance and will likely keep the game within the spread although the Nauts will likely keep the “W”.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bootleggers.

Bullets vs. Bootleggers

Jerome and the “Saturday Night Specials” will take a road trip up Highway 41 on the back of their Greyhound bus to Bristol where they’ll take on the “Misty Mountain Moonshiners” in a pivotal Red Neck Division match-up this weekend. The Bootleggers are haulin’ their weekly load of BDFL points down to Knoxville at a terrifying pace in the back of their big block Woods Bros. Dodge and show little inclination to the let the “Revenoooers” catch up anytime soon. Although ELVO likes the Bootleggers here, it’s times like these and places like here where the wiley, ol’ Wizard earns his money by seeing (as only he can) the Bullets rising to the occasion and shocking the home team. The Wizard just loves the smell of napalm and burning whiskey in the morning…

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Quote of the

Week

"...the Wizard to already put in a special request that all sharp objects be kept away from Butch at the 2006 draft since he will bear the brunt of Jerry’s draft day advice. "

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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