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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 16

Wildcats vs. Gamblers

Neither rain, sleet, snow, nor even a Cat 5 hurricane could keep Kenny Breal and the “Swamp Swindlers” from making their appointed rounds, which included an 11^th hour comeback in Week 15 to pass the Bullets and lock down the Red Neck Division title. Nevertheless, all it will get the Gamblers is a date with the top seeded “Fanged Fur Balls”, and this bunch of cats are not known for their hospitality when it comes to the rest of the BDFL. L.T. has been totin’ the mail all year for the Wildcats and Jerry sees no reason to stop riding him while Kenny faces an uphill battle with an injured Gato and struggling Favre leading the Gambler attack. Despite an impressive push last week that punched their ticket to the “Big Dance”, the Gamblers with likely see their magical comeback turn back into a pumpkin well before midnight except this time they’ll leave a dirty sock behind instead of a glass slipper.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Wizards vs. Cheetahs

Butch Neal and his “Lap Dancin’ Lolas” may walk like women and talk like men, but it didn’t stop them from navigating their way through the treacherous waters of the Graybeard Division and surface as the champion by holding off the Grenades and the surging Sleds the last half of the season. Meanwhile Merlin and his “Wand Wavers” have ridden their “Mystery Machine” to an improbable Green Horn Division title that appeared all but lost very early in the season. Spearheading the Cheetah attack is the premier point person in the BDFL, Shawn “Alexander the Great”. The “homer pick” in the BDFL draft is the likely MVP in the NFL and is certainly the key-cog in any designs the Cheetahs have of adding a second BDFL title to their resume. If the Wizards have any thoughts of advancing to the championship game they had better cook up some particularly strong potion lotion in order to survive the coming onslaught. Nevertheless, the original Alexander the Great, while he did conquer much of the known world, died prematurely after which his empire quickly disappeared never to surface again except in the history books and a particularly bad, big budget movie although taking a gander at Angelina Jolie, freak that she is, may have been worth the price of a Saturday matinee ticket.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Grenades vs. Wooden Warriors

It was only a few weeks ago that all three Hand brothers were in first place in their respective divisions, which had Daddy D.K. Hand grinnin’ from ear to ear. Unfortunately, the quest for the Hand’s first untainted BDFL title will have to wait at least another year as late season fades (Wizard’s Note: Chris and Bullet must have learned it from Jaimie, who has taken it to an art form.) turned the Brother’s Hand into the Brother’s Grimm. Nevertheless, pride and position are at stake this weekend when the “Wounded Warriors” tackle the “Big City Bottle Rockets” in a game that will give each the opportunity to take out their frustrations on the other while commiserating another lost opportunity for a championship, and a golden one at that. D.K. Hand was heard to mutter Monday night at the Knights of Columbus lodge after watching the Packers seal Jaimie’s fate “that right there is $&!# pot luck, it’s about the same as going to Tuscaloosa for an oral copulating contest and getting lockjaw in Bessemer.” It’s hard to disagree with D.K. when he’s dispensing undeniable truths like that.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenades. 

Bootleggers vs. Dogs

A pair of BDFL bottom feeders square off this weekend when Mark Burr and his “Penny Pinchin’ Coin Counters” take on Jon Wood’s “Big, Black Dodge” in the first of two “Lower Feeder” games. The Woods’ Brothers took the green flag in September with ideas of moving to the front of the draft and hangin’ on to the finish. However, they quickly found out that although their own brand of Tennessee sippin’ whiskey may sell like hotcakes in Knoxville, it didn’t have nearly enough octane to keep them hitting on all cylinders throughout the rugged BDFL schedule. In a similar vein, the Dogs found out that their 2005 BDFL season was about as big a hit as the white hamburger meat they like to bring to cookouts. It can be difficult to forecast a winner between two teams that are so good at losing, which is why it takes someone with the impeccable skills of the Great Wizardo to take on such a dangerous task. The secret is deciding who will “out sorry” the other. Kids, please don’t try this at home…

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

Sloth Monsters vs. Bullets

A season ending defeat to the lowly Slovaks put quite a damper on what had been a nice season for the “Silver Surfers” and sends them reeling into the play-offs to face Bullet and the “Choke Chumps” at Trey Pettimore Stadium Sunday afternoon. The Bullets are also reeling after fighting to the front of the Red Neck Division only to see it slip away the last week of the season. The last credible reported siting of Bullet last Sunday night had him on his knees with his hands clutched tightly around his neck croaking “a tainted title is better than no title at all” before staggering off towards the Edmund Pettus Bridge. Other than bragging rights, and there’s not much of even that to go around in this match-up, little else is on the line. However, the games must go on and go on they will. In the end and at the Sloth Monsters expense, the Bullets will right themselves long enough to salve some of the wounds from a Week 15 collapse that will go down in the annals of BDFL history. It won’t help much, but it’s better than nothing.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Woosiers vs. Slovaks

Slovensky blood may run red hot at the annual Slovensky 4^th of July Horseshoe Throwin’ contest, but Adam Slovensky’s has been in a deep freeze all season long in the BDFL where the weak may survive birth but are soon prey for the predators that lurk throughout the league hierarchy. Nevertheless, the “Polackian Pansy Princes” will ready themselves for battle from the equally impotent “Woeful Woo Wailers”, who followed up a stunning charge to the title in 2004 with a Titanic-like drop to the bottom of the league in 2005. Once again, the Great Wizardo begs those viewing at home or listening on one of his countless media outlets not to attempt this at home because picking the winner in a contest like this can be considered very hazardous to your health. ELVO likes the Woosiers big in this one, although why I can’t imagine, but the Wizard sees the 6.5 points the Slovaks are getting and questions whether or not the Woosiers can even score that many points, much less cover them.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Blades vs. Mayors

The first round of play-offs features the second of two Sibling Civil Wars between a pair of teams who have seen their fortunes sink very far and very fast over the last half of the season. While the “Bureaucratic Blue Bloods” were in the middle of the Graybeard Division chase for the first half of the year, the second half saw the Mayors fall of the pace quickly while kid brother Lyle and the “Turf Tokers” meandered aimlessly for much of the year before running aground down the home stretch and settling on the bottom. Now all that is left is playing for pride and bragging rights while eating their Christmas turkey Sunday afternoon. Alan hopes the home field advantage at Fair Park will give them the edge over the Blades, although the Wizard thinks a rusty butter knife would probably have an edge on the Blades as well. However, it still won't be enough for the Mayors to hold off the visitors headed to checkers out of turn four at BIR.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blades.

Power Sleds vs. Juggernauts

Despite a furious charge late in the season and a Week 15 victory over his division rivals, the Cheetahs, “Mad Jack” and the “Sleigh Bell Bumpkins” came up just shy of what would have been a heroic comeback in the Graybeard Division. However, unless you’re playing hand grenades or horse shoes (Wizard’s Note: This would not apply to the Slovensky Clan 4^th of July Horsehoe Throwin’ contest since the winner is determined by who is still sober enough to be standing at the end of the day.), close doesn’t count and so the Power Sleds go from possibly competing for their first BDFL title in the modern era to playing for sloppy seconds. On the opposite end, Allyson Edwards and the “Bra Burners” came out of the gate on fire, but soon fizzled and were but a distant memory in the Wildcats rear view mirror over the last month of the season. The Great Wizardo doesn’t necessarily see a victory for the “JingleNots”, but he does see them at least covering the spread.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

Quote of the

Week

"However, unless you’re playing hand grenades or horse shoes (Wizard’s Note: This would not apply to the Slovensky Clan 4th of July Horsehoe Throwin’ contest since the winner is determined by who is still sober enough to be standing at the end of the day.), close doesn’t count and so the Power Sleds go from possibly competing for their first BDFL title in the modern era to playing for sloppy seconds."
 

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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