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"Reports say Kawliga had to call the suicide hotline to recover, and was put on “hold”"

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From Underneath The Rock in Media Void

By Bullet Head

Week 17...The final week of the 2003 BDFL season...

Cheetahs Triumph – Woodies Choke

(Lake Cyrus)—In another Championship Game choke, reminiscent of Park’s gag last year and the famous Week 17 collapse by the Grenades a few years ago, Kawliga folded like a cheap tee-pee in the heat of Big Daddy Bowl II. With a huge crowd on hand at Lake Cyrus for the BDFL’s annual championship game festivities, the Wooden Warriors blew a 23-3 lead after the early NFL games. The “never-say-die” Cheetahs rallied – with head coach Mike Price coaching his last game in the BDFL – to put up 33 unanswered points to capture their first-ever BDFL Championship. Reports say Kawliga had to call the suicide hotline to recover, and was put on “hold.” Meanwhile, a raucous celebration erupted in Riverchase, as the once-lowly Cheetahs ascended to the throne of the BDFL. There was obviously “dancing, and singing and moving to the grooving,” as well as other celebrations that would make Mardi Gras and “Girls Gone Wild” look like mellow receptions. The Sin Wagon plans to take the Championship Trophy on a non-stop tour from Sammy’s to Artey’s to Tattletales to eventually a ticker-tape (of $1 bills) parade at where else – the Cheetah III.

Gamblers Grab Third - Wax Wizards

(Lake Cyrus)—“I waxed the dude,” said a jubilant Kenny B. from the frozen tundra of Lambeau, where he celebrated yet another fantastic finish for both the Green Bay Packers and the Gamblers. Favre and the Packers made the playoffs and the Gamblers put an old-fashioned A.W. on the Wizards that even Lombardi would be proud of. Kenny B. once again finishes in the upper echelon of the standings, while Merlin exhibits yet another way to fold on Big Daddy Day. And, this time around Merlin doesn’t even have Dan Reeves around to blame, and he gets to live with the distinction of having the final “Toilet Seat Team of the Weak” distinction. By the way, the Real Deal thought he was being original when he said that he “waxed the dude,” and you’ll have to forgive him… he’s not from around here.

Dogs Slop Around But Still Kick Bootleggers

(Lake Cyrus)—Dog showed up just long enough at Big Daddy Day to grab some quick, free food and beverages, rumors and gossip, and a vict’ry over the beleaguered Bootleggers. The Wood Brothers were a no-show for the $3 Bill Bowl and couldn’t even give Dog a run for their money, scoring in single digits. Jon Wood avoided the Toilet Seat award only because the higher-seeded Wizards gagged just as bad. (A measly 6 points.) Dog’s official excuse for leaving Lake Cyrus early was rather “lame.” He could have just told the gathering the truth. He was late for a Rooster Vacuuming Convention in Tuscaloosa with Brookside Mayor Terry Tarrence and city councilmen Dwight Slowees, Daryl Kittle, Jonathan Carroll, John Foster and Doddie Goode. No word as to weather their minivan broke down or if they got lockjaw in Bessemer.

Bullets Edge Aides

(Lake Cyrus)—In the most competitive match-up of the day, the Bullets edged the Grenades by one point in the battle of siblings and 4th place teams. With the vict’ry, Bullet avenged his Week One loss to the Grenades and notched his 11th win of the season, a career-high for the Straight Shooters. The vict’ry also dealt a blow to the “prognosticator formally known as the Wizard” and gave an edge to the Green Horn Division in the Big Daddy Day games, 4-3. Losing in Week 17 is nothing new to old Iron, but the defeat had to bring back bitter memories of his final weekend collapse years ago when he actually had a chance for the championship. Meanwhile, Bullet remains the only member of the Hand Clan to win a BDFL Championship and he returned to Benton late Sunday evening to the cheers and salutations of the many loyal subjects who helped him reach yet another summit. (Note: If Iron would have started Rudi Johnson he would have won. He gets at least a “dishonorable mention” for the Dan Reeves Bonehead of the Week award.)

PowerSleds Cut by Blades

(Lake Cyrus)—In the “No-Show Jones” Bowl, L.A. stopped the PowerSleds in their tracks and then mowed ‘em down with their brand new Christmas present; a shiny orange, Husquava, backpack, gas powered, string trimmer with Kung Fu grip. The Sledheads were disappointed in the loss, but even more disappointed when they realized that their Christmas present – a box set of Metal CD’s and DVD’s – did not include the collected works of Johnny and Edgar Winter. Jack muttered, “What’s a collection without ‘Frankenstein?’”

Woo Whipped by Tree Sloths

(Lake Cyrus)—Mukes and Woo teamed up Sunday to provide the BDFL with “accurate, real time scoring” at the Big Daddy Day festivities. However, on the field, Mukes had little mercy on the Woosiers spanking them with a big old A.W. In a move of good sportsmanship, (or in fear of Woo’s alleged temper) Mukes waited until Tommy T. departed the friendly confines of Lake Cyrus to commence with the drubbing. After two debut seasons of poundings, whippings, A.W.’s, and assorted beating in the BDFL, Woo has vowed to show up at next year’s draft and try to get his Crew into a money spot. “If the Cheetahs can do it,” Woo said. “Then I’m sure I can pull it off.”

'Nauts Burn Out… Fade Away

(Lake Cyrus)—Another draft day “no show” was dumped unceremoniously in Week 17. A.E. lost to the Cronies on a day where the Mayor gloated in last year’s triumph instead of facing the reality of going from “first to worst” in the Gray Beard Division. The Cronies, however, with a win over the woeful Juggernauts avoided a complete drop from the top to the very bottom of the BDFL. In the off-season, expect wholesale changes by the Nauts (rumor has it they are looking at Bill Oliver) while the Mayors plan to keep their Cronies in tact, sign up for more social programs, munch on some government cheese and wait for their disability checks to arrive. “The question is moot,” said the Mayor. “I get still 2002 BDFL Champions. No one can take that from me. Recon what I can get for my championship crown on Ebay?”

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