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The BDFL

The Column

of Fame

From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 14

Power Sleds vs. Cheetahs

A game that had the makings of a game for the ages where the #1 and #3 rated teams in the BDFL were poised to square off in a veritable clash of the titans has instead turned into a mere means to an end after Butch Neal’s “Finger Lickin’ Foxy Ladies” officially got their membership card (complete with photo I.D., secret handshake, and decoder ring) to the “Big Mullet Club” which consists of teams eliminated from the play offs due to the “Bullet Rule.”  In spite of posting impressive numbers that have them at the top of the standings, it will all be for naught as the Cheetahs pull a “Tony Stewart” and fail to qualify to even try and defend their BDFL title. Meanwhile, the “Midnight Train to Memphis” continues to pour on the coals after dispatching the woeful Grenades with very little pomp and circumstance. Nevertheless, the Great Wizardo smells a mild upset although it could just be the odor from a busy night at the Riverchase Cat House.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Wooden Warriors vs. Wizards

Noting the bitterest of rivalries in the nation, the Great Wizardo’s list would include Alabama vs. Auburn, Ohio State vs. Michigan, the Hatfields vs. the McCoys, Tom & Jerry, and even Arthur “Fonzi” Fonzerelli vs. the Malachi Brothers (in the classic “Happy Days” episode where Fonzi’s girlfriend, Pinky Tuscadero, was injured by the Malachis during a demolition derby). However, none of these spark the same intensity as a clash between the Wooden Warriors and the Wizards. Arch enemies since Jaimie beat out the Wiz for the 1981 Family Buffet Player of the Year award; the rivalry deepened after the Kick-Off Cash debacle and has only worsened since then. With Jaimie already a charter member of the “Big Mullet Club”, this one will be for pride when the “Singin’ Injuns” try to keep their recent hot streak alive and avenge an earlier loss this season to the “OzMond Brothers.” In the end, however, look for the Wizards to pour plenty of cold water on any vengeance plans the Warriors had cooked up. 

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Mayors vs. Grenades

In a season ending game with absolutely no drama, other then to see who can whine the most about “getting jobbed by the schedule maker” and the supposed superiority of the Graybeard Division, (the latter in spite of the three of the four members being eliminated from play off contention), Alan Arrington and the “Rainbow Coalition Boneheads” travel to Brother Ryan Field in Nashville to play Chris Hand and “WEAK 104.5 FM” on your dial. The Grenades have largely broadcast at low wattage all season and are struggling mightily to find advertisers with a dwindling audience. Unfortunately for the Grenades, their fortunes have hardly matched the rising stock of the Tennessee Titans and Citadel Broadcasting as the Titans continue their march towards respectability in spite of some of the ugliest uniforms north of Wenonah High School the Wizard has ever seen. Regardless, expect the Grenades to close out the regular season with an equally ugly loss.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.

Dogs vs. Fighting Slovaks

In a BDFL first, the long suffering schedule maker has made perhaps his most risqué move to date by changing the Week 14 match ups to pit two six win teams against each other in order to ensure eight teams will avoid a losing record and the automatic admission to the “Big Mullet Series” club that goes with it. After much huffing and puffing during the season, it would appear that the first contestants, Adam Slovensky and the “Fading Slaves”, weren’t much more successful at gaining BDFL respectability than the big, bad wolf when he tried to blow down the brick house full of piglets. At press time, the already-on-the-brink Slovaks trailed the Wooden Warriors by 14 points, but a Monday night miracle rallied the Slovaks to an improbable victory over Cousin Jaimie and the extra helpin’ of Grandma Slovensky’s homemade apple pie that went with it. Meanwhile, Mark Burr and the “Howlin’ Hounds” have had plenty to yelp about in recent weeks after suffering yet another devastating loss in Week 13. After being stuck on six wins longer than Gilligan and the gang were on his island, the Dogs are down to their last chance to represent the Yellow Hammer Division despite owning the lowest point total in the league. (Wizard’s Note: The Wizard always thought the S.S. Minnow did not look that badly damaged. If the Professor could invent a radio battery from seas shells and salt water, surely they could have repaired the boat and set back to sea. Also, how far could they be from Hawaii if it was only a three hour cruise?) It’s put-up-or-shut-up time for these two and the Great Wizardo says the Slovaks will muzzle the Dogs and send them packing.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Sloth Monsters vs. Blades

Lyle Arrington and the “Wacky Tobaccy Tokers” are now officially on the outside looking in at the elusive BDFL title, but can still position themselves within the BMS when they host Mukes and the Sloth Monsters at the Shelby Sod Farm on Sunday afternoon in the second of two “Iron Hand”-engineered match-up switches to avoid the possibility of having only seven teams in the championship series and the impending chaos that would result. The Great Wizardo suspects Mike Dismukes must have run out of beer money and, consequently, sobered up some in recent weeks as his once sparkling record has begun to fill up with losses in recent weeks. Nevertheless, the “Cud Chewin’ Tree Huggers” are still very much in the divisional hunt and are qualified for the playoffs with eight victories headed into the final regular season game. With recent events unfolding around him, it would appear that Mukes will get the chance to add a second BDFL title to his trophy case based on record alone. Nevertheless, a victory here is essential for their psyche as much as anything else and it is a victory the Sloth Monsters will find at the hands of the Blades.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

Bootleggers vs. Gamblers

After winning two straight BDFL titles in their first two seasons, the vaunted Gambler attack has been drawing garbage hands more often than not in recent years, but have returned to their winning ways in 2006 and find themselves firmly entrenched in the play off hunt with the regular season drawing to a close. In spite of being in third place in the dominant Red Neck Division, the “One-armed Bayou Bandits” have a sparkling nine win, three loss record and an equally impressive point total to match. Meanwhile, Jon Wood and the “Goodrich Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers” have spent most of the season trying to keep a difficult season from deflating, and despite a struggle have reached the seven win plateau. Nevertheless, the Gamblers should have little problem dispatching of the Bootleggers although capturing second place in the division and covering the spread in the process may be a little more difficult.

Wizard’s Winner….the Gamblers.

Bullets vs. Woosiers

After a record setting week together with a commanding lead, Bullet and the “Benton Bureaucrats” have been resting on their laurels the past couple of games and in turn have had enough sand pounded up their backsides to fill a decent sized beach. Although safely qualified for the play offs as the Red Neck Division champion, the Bullets still need to put the pieces back together on their championship dreams after the carnage of the last two weekends. Unfortunately for Bullet, Week 14 may not be the best time to get back on track with Tommy Todd and the “Bad Moon Rising Woosiers” playing the role of a less than hospitable host while continuing their march towards the play offs with a sterling, and predicted, second half of the season. These two could easily meet again during the play offs and the Great Wizardo says it will be the Woosiers leaving a bad taste in the Bullets’ “mighty purdy” mouths on Sunday.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Wildcats vs. Juggernauts

In a match up of “what could have been” teams, fellow Yellow Hammer Division rivals the Wildcats and the Juggernauts will look at their respective point totals and wonder how everything went so horribly awry in the won-loss column. Nevertheless, pride and positioning for the hand full of dollars that go to the “Big Mullet Series” winner still make this game important to both. Alyson’s “Rice Rockets” season largely exploded on take-off with a string of losses that relegated them to “behind the 8 ball” status in spite of an impressive mid season run. On the other hand, Jerry James’ “Cat’s in the Cradle” toyed with play off contention for much of the season before bowing out more recently. Unfortunately for Jerry and the Wildcats, a silver spoon, Little Boy Blue and a man on the moon won’t be enough to help them salvage their season or a victory.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"After being stuck on six wins longer than Gilligan and the gang were on his island, the Dogs are down to their last chance to represent the Yellow Hammer Division despite owning the lowest point total in the league. (Wizard’s Note: The Wizard always thought the S.S. Minnow did not look that badly damaged. If the Professor could invent a radio battery from seas shells and salt water, surely they could have repaired the boat and set back to sea. Also, how far could they be from Hawaii if it was only a three hour cruise?)"

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

2005 Back Big Daddies: w1  w2  w3  w4  w5  w6  w7  w8  w9  w10  w11  w12  w13  w14  w15  w16  w17

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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